This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
