a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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