Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
