Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
