you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
