he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
