did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
