can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
