Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
