I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
