When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
