I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
