Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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