mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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