did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
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