that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
