Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
no, he came in my armpit
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
