The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Too much gin, very little bucket
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Randomize
