when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
