All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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