I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
