Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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