Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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