I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
