while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
