so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
