grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
