my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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