Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
