Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
