I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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