You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
