your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
