My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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