I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Let's paint friendship bongs
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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