I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
