i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
