1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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