I think I am morally bankrupt
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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