took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
