I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
