I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
