if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
