I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
