he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
this just has baby written all over it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
