Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
