Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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