Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Randomize
