I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
