these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
