i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
