Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
