Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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