I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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